Change Yourself
by Mien84
Summary: Little One-Shot about Addison after 2x10. Kevin left and now Addison thinks about changing herself to get him back.


Just a little thing that came to my mind when I woke up one morning ;) Hope you like it.

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What was wrong with her that all her relationships, if you could even call the sleeping with inappropriate guys or spying on your short term boyfriend, relationships? She was a desirable woman, damn it! All the working out on the beach and the gym, though the gym was rather embarrassing when she fell of the treadmill. But then again, it was a guys fault. Pete, pff. He stood her up but slept with the temp. Anyways, she was soooooooo over him. The quack. With his eastern voodoo and all the ointments and acupuncture. She needed a real man. A man who could take care of her and didn't judge her because she was wearing the name Forbes Montgomery. A man who loved her because of who she was. She thought Kevin was this man. She was almost ready to say the three little words to him. The three little words that weigh so much. But then he left. Because of who she was. Because of how she acted and because of the way she was born into this world. So maybe...maybe being herself wasn't enough after all. Maybe it was time for her to change.

She was never a fan of those books. Books that tell you how you can make things better. Books that tell you how to act in a certain situation. Books that help you analyze yourself. It was probably easier to talk to Violet to find out all these things. Nah. She acted weird herself lately. Even weirder that usual. So here she was in the bookstore on the other side of town. God forbid someone would recognize her buying those kind of books. If people saw her right now, they might think she was about to commit a crime; sneaking around the shelves with the guidebooks. Ha! Unbelievable. She wasn't really doing this, was she?

Okay, let's see. "How to score the right guy." Eww. A little too rustic. "Find the color of your soul." Really? Her soul has a color? Why would she need to know this? "How to tell the one you love that you love him." Wow. What a title. She had been there already. "Who are you?" Well.... yeah why not. Why not first find out who she was and then change that. Maybe she even liked herself better than she thought. Huh? That sounded weird. And then there it was the book she was looking for. In large letters it said "Change Yourself". Grab it and then leave the store as fast as possible. Maybe she should whistle or hum a melody? Nah, way to much of a cliché. She paid and asked for a paper bag ( you know, to hide the books in case someone might see her on the way to her car).

Back at home she ran the way from her car to the front door. How can someone be so paranoid? Inside she locked the door and closed the blinds. Man, she felt like a top secret FBI agent. She took the two books out of the bag and sat down at the kitchen table. Then she straightened on her chair and opened the first book. The book that might help her to find out who she really was. Yes, who was Addison Forbes Montgomery, the double-board certified neonatal surgeon?

Okay, this is how those books work. They ask you questions and you have to answer to them. Well, they don't talk to you, though maybe some people who are using them might believe so. And you don't talk to your books either, it's more like talking to yourself. Though on closer inspecting she was pretty sure that both was pretty much equally the first sign of insanity. Whatever, aren't we all at least a little bit crazy? Damn it, she really needed to stop with all those thoughts and just start with the first question. It was already dark outside and Naomi would be suspicious if she would arrive at work with circles around her eyes that are as huge as truck tires. So here we go.

_First question:_ "Did you like playgrounds as a child?" Mmh. She had never been to one. Her parents never took her anyways and the nanny was too scared to leave the house. In her defense it should be said that she was Russian and couldn't really handle the English language.

_Second question:_ "Did your parents read you stories?" Big no! But Jean-Luc their cook did sometimes when she joined him in the kitchen, put on her puppy face and asked him very nicely.

_Special note: _"You might wonder why all the questions concern your parents." Yep. So true. "Well, your parents made you the person you are today." Great! Just blame the parents then. Her's would be very pleased to hear that.

_Third question:_ "Do you always achieve your goals?" Wow. That's a good one. Does she? Let's see. Finish school, college and med school. Achieved. Become the best in her field. Achieved. Though was that really a goal or did it just happen? Get married. Mmh. Somehow achieved. Though the second part of that goal would be stay married. Failed. Getting her husband back. Failed. Getting Kevin back. We'll see how that'll be working out. So, does she always achieve her goals? Nah. Doesn't seem so.

_Forth question:_ "Are you self-confident?" Well, it might seem like she was to other people, but really? No, she was just good in pretending she was.

_Fifth question:_ "Do you believe in miracles?" Hell yes, as a doctor you had to believe in them. The weight on your shoulders would be to heavy otherwise. She definitely believed in them and she was pretty convinced that some of them already happened to several of her little patients.

_Sixth question:_ "Do you have trust issues?" What? Talked to Naomi, didn't you? Okay, yes, she did have trust issues. But with her parents who didn't even wanted to be called Mom and Dad and never told her they loved her and all the cheating in her life, what did you expect? She was always a private person and never a "talker". Her feelings stay inside, at least most of the time. They were only coming out when no one sees her, like a supply closet or the elevator, or she was not strong enough to hide them any longer.

_Seventh question:_ "Are you compassionate?" Yes, definitely. Sometimes maybe even too much. Especially when she got too involved and emotional with her patients. But she did consider it one of her finest qualities.

_Eighth question: _"Would you consider yourself an emotional decision-maker?" Pretty sure about that. Yes. Jumping into bed with Mark. Moving out to Seattle to get Derek back. Getting drunk and jumping into bed with Mark again. And then Karev, holy no idea where her head was all those times. Moving out to LA. Definitely no decisions that were planned beforehand.

_Ninth question: _"Are you satisfied with your life?" Oh, now we're getting to the tough ones. That'll take some evaluation. She had a great house close to the beach. Nice neighbors. Oh c'mon, stop scratching the surface. An amazing job where she saved people's lives every day. Really good friends. Now that she and Nae had their old relationship back. Though she was pretty sure that even during a fight like that she could always count on her. She didn't have to worry about money. She was healthy. And getting up in the morning was always a pleasure, 'cause you never know what the next day will bring. Yes, she was satisfied with her life. And moving to LA was definitely the right thing.

_Tenth question:_ "Would you change for someone else?" You know what? She thought she would. She thought she could. But really? No! She liked her life. The only missing thing was a nice guy to share it with. But that was only one piece that she missed. Everything else was very enjoyable. She liked it. No, she loved it. She was happy. And if no man loved her the way she was, well too bad. His loss not her's. And now it was really time to throw those books into the trash.

So, Addison Forbes Montgomery liked herself better than she thought, after all.

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Please tell me what you think.


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